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Life Goes On

Maira-Ira Point, Ilocos NorteA week ago, I observed my 36th birthday. I use the word “observed” because that’s exactly what I did and that’s exactly what I wanted to do. I didn’t feel like celebrating. That day capped what might be the worst year in my life yet.

A couple of weeks before the birthday, I lost the Significant Other. I should call him the Ex now, I suppose. Looking back, I should have seen it coming. The signs were all there. He had been pulling back. He had been uncommunicative. He had been unavailable.

It shouldn’t have surprised me then, when I voiced out my concerns over email, that he called it quits. The explanations given were vague – that the man he was eight years ago, four years ago, is not the same man as he is now, that I deserved someone better.

Nothing is more infuriating than being told you deserve someone better. It’s like being told you don’t know your own mind, you can’t be counted on to make sound and sensible choices for yourself. It’s like being told everything you believed in was a lie.

And right now, everything feels like a lie. I feel betrayed. Eight years of my life have gone to waste. I gave my heart on a silver platter to someone who turned out didn’t deserve it, someone who just threw this precious gift away.

When a love affair as deep and as long as ours comes to an end, it’s not just your heart that gets broken. Your self-esteem and your ability to look beyond tomorrow’s sunrise also becomes collateral damage. There are days when it’s hard to breathe. There are days when I wish I could will myself not to breathe anymore. And there are days when I just feel nothing.

I would not wish this kind of numbing pain on my worst enemy.

But life goes on. A love affair may be over, but I am still alive. I will put on a brave face and overcome this pain. I am still alive.

 

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Anna Sibal-Gonzaga is a freelance writer based in the Philippines. She likes reading books and watching movies and TV shows in the sci-fi, fantasy and historical genres. She is also a casual gamer and an all-around nerd.

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